A Look Toward the '09 College Football Season

Are you ready for some football? I can’t hear you! I said, Are you ready for some football?

"YES! I’M SO FUCKING READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL! I CAN’T WAIT TO START TAILGATING! I’VE ALREADY GOT MY CAR READY TO ROLL! I’M STOCKED WITH NATTY LIGHT AND JIM BEAM! I CAN’T WAIT TO HEAR SOME PADS CRACKING, SOME FIGHT SONGS BLARING, SOME CHEERLEADERS GETTING FINGERED WHILE TRYING TO ACT LIKE THEY’RE NOT COMPLETELY UNCOMFORTABLE AND FEELING VIOLATED WHILE HOLDING A SIGN THAT SAY’S "LET’S GO….."! I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE SOME POOR QUARTERBACK GET TAKEN OFF THE FIELD ON A STRETCHER! SO, HELLS YEAH, I’M READY!!!!"

Whoa buddy… step back… take a breath… put your “Pitt Panthers Rule” T-shirt back on… We still have almost a month for you to: calm down, get your shit together, read (big assumption.. I know) all 48 of your Preview Mags, buy some Old Crow (it’s twice as cheap as Beam and still does the trick), and clean up the mess you just fucking made thinking about that poor cheerleader (YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH!)… You know what? Fuck It! I’m ready too! Let’s get this shit started!

Here is how I’m seeing the college football landscape from my mighty perch (a.k.a. couch) after doing some rather limited research. I mean, there is no way I would be looking into all 119 teams, so my look at CFB will be limited to the BCS conferences, and maybe the MWC and WAC (mostly because I’m sick of Orrin Hatch’s bitching).

I’ll be adding conference outlooks to this post periodically throughout August, so keep checking back.

The ACC

Most Important Game: Virginia Tech @ Georgia Tech (October 17)- I wanted to pick VT vs. Bama on opening weekend as the most important game in the ACC, but then I remembered what happened to Clemson last year in the very same game. If a similar fate awaits the Hokies, then the ACC might want to start gearing up for basketball season. I’m sure most already are (looking at you Maryland fan and Duke fan). This Tech-no Bowl (I kind of like the sound of that) will be the biggest game in the conference, and the winner should be the favorite to win the conference. It will also feature the least amount of pass attempts in any game this season (not involving Navy)… Run, Run and Run some more…

Least Important Game: Duke @ Virginia (Halloween)-Who gives a shit about this game? Really? More people would show up if they held a Lacrosse game on the same date in the same town. Even more people would show up if they held a Lacrosse Party at Score’s (or at some rich kid’s house)… YAWN.

The ACC finally got a win in a BCS Bowl Game last year (I think I’ll wet my pants). The ACC better hope that Georgia Tech beats VT and Miami for the Coastal Division title, and that Boston College doesn’t win the Atlantic Division, because if I have to watch one more ACC Championship Game featuring charter members of the Big East, I may puke. Also, look for The U to be improved this year, but an absolutely brutal opening four games (@ FSU, vs. GT, @ VT, vs. OU) could lead a lot of people to sleep on this talented, but young, team heading into the final two-thirds of the season.

The Big East

Most Important Game: USF vs. Cincinnati- You thought I was going to say The Backyard Brawl didn’t you? Well, while this season will be time for WVU to unleash some well-deserved payback on the Pornstache and his Panthers, it isn’t the most important BE game this year. USF vs. Cincy is. The team that won the conference last year is out to prove it was not a fluke. At some point, USF has to start building on quick starts to its season. With the most talent in the conference returning at the most important positions, this is the year for the Bulls to finally play a Bowl Game not named after a Pizza Chain or an Infomercial Product.

Least Important Game: Syracuse vs. Louisville- By far the worst two teams in the conference in 2009. Syracuse has a new coach. Louisville, for some absurd reason, doesn’t… Advantage= everyone in America (assuming this game won’t be broadcasted nationally), b/c they won’t have to watch this pillow fight…

The Big East is at a pivotal point this year. The conference, despite some success in BCS Bowls (thanks in no part to Pitt and Cincy), draws criticism from everywhere, and the claims that the conference isn’t deserving of a BCS tie-in won’t quiet down this year as there doesn’t seem to be an elite team. They can’t afford to have another 2004 type season, but don’t worry, they won’t… Pitt won’t win the conference this year. The conference is set to gain some respect this year, with big-time non-conference games (both early in the season and late with Illinois hosting Cincinnati in November). WVU hosts Colorado and East Carolina and visits Auburn. USF plays both Florida State and Miami. Cincy also travels to Corvallis to eat some Beaver and hosts pesky Fresno State. Pitt hosts Notre Dame and travels to upstart NC State. So, when the Big East wins over half of those games, the rest of the country will take notice that this league isn’t going anywhere anytime soon… unless, of course the Basketball Schools decide they don’t want to be a part of this anymore… Don’t Count on It!

The Big Ten

Most Important Game: Ohio State @ Penn State (Nov. 7)- This is pretty much the only game in the Big Televen this year. Once again, the winner of this game will most likely earn a trip to the Rose Bowl, and the loser will still probably find itself in a BCS Bowl Game anyway. If the winner is lucky, USC will be in the MNC game. Because I doubt PSU wants to get embarrassed by the Trojans in the Rose Bowl two years in a row. And no one wants to see OSU get beat down by USC twice in one season.

Least Important Game: Indiana vs. Purdue- I’m as excited for this game to be played as I am for any Tyler Perry produced form of entertainment.. I’d be more excited about this game if Tom Creen and Gene Keady decided to meet at mid field and have a debate as to which is more gay: Barber shop pole pants or the world’s largest drum…

Like the Big East (though to a lesser extent), this is a crucial season for the Big Ten. Ohio State could make a huge statement for the conference if it can somehow upset USC in Columbus. But more importantly Big Ten teams need to win some bowl games, and I’m not just talking about BCS Bowls, any bowls. A 1-6 bowl record last season was pathetic. Anyway, with UM still rebuilding, MSU and Iowa still replacing offensive weapons, and Illinois still being coached by Ron Zook, the Big Ten will be a two-horse race again this year. If PSU beats Ohio State, an undefeated season is very possible due to a schedule that is weaker than Rush Limbaugh’s will power at an all-you-can eat buffet with an open bar in the back. The Nittany Lions do have some big question marks with regard to its lines on both sides of the ball, the secondary and the receiving corps, but, again, a series of cupcakes, excluding Iowa in Week 4, to open the season should give PSU's new starters a chance to get their feet wet.

Big 12

Most Important Game: The Red River Shootout. Tough Decision…okay, not really. This was probably the easiest game to select among all the conferences. This could be the most important game played during the entire college football regular season. The winner of this game is set up to play for all the marbles …well, maybe not. I mean in theory it makes sense, but Texas won the game last year and earned the consolation prize of playing tOSU in the Fiesta Bowl, while OU got the privilege of losing another BCS game. The amazing thing is that the Big XII coaches voted not to change the conferences shitty three-way tie-breaker rule. Anyway, assuming that the Big XII South will come down to these two teams, the winner should go to the conference championship game and possibly earn a spot in the MNC (Mythical National Championship) Game. Unless, of course, Oklahoma State comes along and competes for the division crown (which is very possible) and fucks everything up ala Texas Tech…then who knows what the hell will happen with the Big XII.

Least Important Game: Does Iowa State play Kansas State this year? Do they play Colorado? Do they play Texas A & M? Do they play Missouri? Baylor? Catch my drift… In case you don’t, what I’m saying is: they suck. They stink so much, Mark Mangino wouldn’t eat them. Not even with the world’s biggest jar of hot sauce to cover up the stench.

The Big 12 is Back, and much like the Oklahoma band, you would’ve never known it was gone. They just keep fucking playing. Newsflash douchebags: you just got scored on again. Just because one of your guys ran across the end zone, doesn’t mean your team scored the touchdown. He was simply chasing that guy in the [insert opposing team’s colors here] uniform. Understand now? Enough about the God damn band. The Big 12 can only go downhill after last year’s offensive bonanza. No chance this conference can duplicate excitement of the Texas Tech Cinderella run… or the Chase Daniel-led Missouri offensive juggernaut… or can they? Baylor has a pulse. Sure, it’s only the pulse of its standout sophomore quarterback, but look at what that’s done for Florida. A & M has a coach that doesn’t visit Strip Clubs or castrate animals in the locker room (can you name those past coaches?) So, yuk it up Big 12 fans. This promises to be another year of points galore and invisible defenses… another year of winning a BCS game… just not the one you all want to win.

Pac 10

Most Important Game: USC @ Oregon. Remember what happened last time the Trojans traveled to Autzen Stadium with an unproven QB? It cost them a trip to the NC Game. This year might not be any different. Although, this USC team won’t be as reliant on the passing game to march the ball up and down the field on a suspect Oregon defense. And just like 2007, this game might not be as fun or interesting as Cal’s trip to Autzen earlier in the season…

Least Important Game: The Apple Cup. Hopefully, this year’s installment doesn’t help one team void a defeated season (while securing that for the other). But I’m not holding my breath. In fact, I’m not even crossing my fingers for fear of severe cramping. If Jake Locker gets hurt again, it could be déjà vu all over again …

The Pac 10 made a giant statement during bowl season. The problem was the statement was kind of like this: "USC is awesome… No doubt about it… Our other strong teams are better than any other conference’s relatively mediocre teams." This is the year for the Pac 10 to gain the credibility of every college football fan, or at least the two who are willing to stay up until 3 in the morning after drinking all day, only to find out their cable provider doesn’t have VS on its package. Thus making them listen to Kirk and Lee blow Jim Tressell and Tim Tebow all night on ESPN. All the while receiving updates on the big Arizona-Stanford tilt in the desert. You don’t like the East Coast Bias? Tough Shit. Try to convenience the rest of the country by inconveniencing yourself and play at 3:30 p.m. EST (that’s a 12:30 kickoff your time) or 7:30 p.m. EST (that’s a not-so-tough 3:30 kickoff west coast time. Get it now Pac 10 people?) You do that, and I’ll promise to watch you play…especially if the score is 41-34 at the half, which most Pac 10 games not involving USC are.

**You may have noticed that the picture accompanying this conference preview is unlike the others. Well, I searched and searched and found a few good pics making fun of the Pac 10, but what I found a lot more of was smoking hot chicks. So, I went another direction. God bless the girls of USC, ASU, UCLA and Oregon State...Washington and Washington State girls belong with the rest of the herd at Big 10 schools

SEC

Most Important Game: LSU @ Alabama: What?!?! No Tebow? No T-bone? No T-Bag? Well, you can get the middle one for 7 bucks at Denny's and the last one with either Goldschlager or a money order for $32.17 sent to my house. Florida vs LSU matters, but this one matters more. Because this one decides who UF plays in the SEC title game after they run through a weak SEC East and even weaker OOC schedule. If Florida has to play LSU twice, that's a problem. However, if they get matched up with either Bama or Ole Miss, then the Gators could find themselves back in the MNC Game.

Least Important Game: Mississippi State @ Kentucky. This trumps other "classics" such as MSU vs. Auburn or MSU/Auburn vs. anyone. Why? Because this one doesn't even matter in the division. Though hyper sensitive/loyal UF fans will tell you that Missy State is on the way up because their assistant coach is there now, it's just them being nice the way you are when your much uglier ex finds herself randomly across the same restaurant as you and your new, much better looking flame. Because in reality, it's a good thing Moses didn't part the Red Sea and lead his flock to Starkville. They'd have been begging to go back to Egypt to be enslaved and eaten by lions.

The SEC has become that guy who wears sunglasses to the night club. Earth to Captain Metrosexual...it's DARK in there so guys have a chance to feel women up before they realize what's going on...

Anyway, THAT guy stands there, puffed out (insert fake surf company or cliche "my nuts are big" with a squirrel on the front) t-shirted chest thinking he's cool because his goober friends tell him he is...only because he's dumb enough to be DD and buy all the rounds. ESPN being the "goober friends." I'm not gonna go the whole overdone "hillbillies are stupid" route, but I will say that it's high time to stop with the really bad, 12 year old tree house rhyme attempts to poke fun at Lane Kiffin's name. The word "lame" can only be used so many times in so many contexts. Just because it's a 4 letter word you CAN say to your sister in "thems other 38 states that don't allow our kind of love" doesn't make it funny, clever, or compoundable with ALL other words. On the uptick though, Tennessee has become Fred Durst. Collectively, everyone in the human race now is perfectly ready for them to fall off the face of the earth. I have an idea of what Durst was talking about when he said "hot dog flavored water," and I think that makes him a UCLA fan.

Bonus Prediction: I feel like I ought to devote just a small bit more time to the Gators and Vols with a bonus prediction for your. And that prediction is this: It will be fucking ugly in Gainesville on Sept. 19. After all of Kiffin’s bravado and bullshit, he will have to come face-to-face with the Gators, who currently reside on top of the mountain in the SEC. Look for the Gators to hang 50 on the Vols, and at some point late in the third quarter, when the Gators are up 35-0, Tim Tebow will be standing in the huddle like Maximus Decimus Meridius about to start another possession. He will look over where Emperor Urban is standing on the sidelines to see if mercy should be given, or to execute the death blow. At that point, Meyer will slowly extend his right hand out to his side and, to the horror of Vols fans everywhere, slowly turn his thumb downward. At that point, Tebow will finish the destruction of Tennessee, and Lane Kiffin will wish he hadn’t fucked with the Gators….