This week is the SEC’s “Media Days,” and it appears my obsession with Tim Tebow knows no bounds. I always thought I just hated the guy, but now, I’m questioning that. I mean, I hate ferrets too, but I’ve never written about them (until just now of course). Why can’t I think of anything to write about Colt McCoy or Sam Bradford or even Lane fucking Kiffin? Why, when I think of possible CFB topics, do I always find myself right back at Tebow? Shouldn’t I respect an athlete who spends time doing humanitarian work and doesn’t get in trouble off the field? What the hell is wrong with me?
Anyway, here is a list of questions I would ask Tim Tebow if I were to attend an SEC media day event. Let the obsession continue:
1)Why do you wear a headset on the sideline? Is it because nobody else on the bench wants to talk to you?
2)Tim, who’s the better golfer? You? Or Jesus?
3)Tim, are there prostitutes in heaven? You know, cheap ones that aren’t ugly?
4)Can I call you Timmy?
5)Why does Christian rock suck so badly? Is it because they can’t do drugs?
6)Does Verne Lundquist bite when he’s sucking you off during SEC games?
7)Tim, how much cocaine could I safely hide in my foreskin?
8)Tim, does SEC speed come in chewable tablets? I’ve got a tough week coming up at work and could really use the boost.
9)Tim, why don’t you just tell God to pick a national champion and save us all the trouble?
10)Tim, if you found out you had a gay teammate, how long would you wait before attempting to rehabilitate him? What if he was hot?
11)What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? I can never tell.
12)When you lost to Ole Miss last year, did you think that was God’s way of saying, “Hey, stop kissing my ass so much”?
13While you were circumcising children in the Phillipines, did you ever mutter to yourself, “Philli-penis” and laugh? Because that’s pretty funny.
14)Does the bible say anything about killing people who use cell phones in a movie theatre?
15)Anal doesn’t count as premarital sex…does it?
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