A Look Toward the '09 College Football Season

Are you ready for some football? I can’t hear you! I said, Are you ready for some football?

"YES! I’M SO FUCKING READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL! I CAN’T WAIT TO START TAILGATING! I’VE ALREADY GOT MY CAR READY TO ROLL! I’M STOCKED WITH NATTY LIGHT AND JIM BEAM! I CAN’T WAIT TO HEAR SOME PADS CRACKING, SOME FIGHT SONGS BLARING, SOME CHEERLEADERS GETTING FINGERED WHILE TRYING TO ACT LIKE THEY’RE NOT COMPLETELY UNCOMFORTABLE AND FEELING VIOLATED WHILE HOLDING A SIGN THAT SAY’S "LET’S GO….."! I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE SOME POOR QUARTERBACK GET TAKEN OFF THE FIELD ON A STRETCHER! SO, HELLS YEAH, I’M READY!!!!"

Whoa buddy… step back… take a breath… put your “Pitt Panthers Rule” T-shirt back on… We still have almost a month for you to: calm down, get your shit together, read (big assumption.. I know) all 48 of your Preview Mags, buy some Old Crow (it’s twice as cheap as Beam and still does the trick), and clean up the mess you just fucking made thinking about that poor cheerleader (YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH!)… You know what? Fuck It! I’m ready too! Let’s get this shit started!

Here is how I’m seeing the college football landscape from my mighty perch (a.k.a. couch) after doing some rather limited research. I mean, there is no way I would be looking into all 119 teams, so my look at CFB will be limited to the BCS conferences, and maybe the MWC and WAC (mostly because I’m sick of Orrin Hatch’s bitching).

I’ll be adding conference outlooks to this post periodically throughout August, so keep checking back.

The ACC

Most Important Game: Virginia Tech @ Georgia Tech (October 17)- I wanted to pick VT vs. Bama on opening weekend as the most important game in the ACC, but then I remembered what happened to Clemson last year in the very same game. If a similar fate awaits the Hokies, then the ACC might want to start gearing up for basketball season. I’m sure most already are (looking at you Maryland fan and Duke fan). This Tech-no Bowl (I kind of like the sound of that) will be the biggest game in the conference, and the winner should be the favorite to win the conference. It will also feature the least amount of pass attempts in any game this season (not involving Navy)… Run, Run and Run some more…

Least Important Game: Duke @ Virginia (Halloween)-Who gives a shit about this game? Really? More people would show up if they held a Lacrosse game on the same date in the same town. Even more people would show up if they held a Lacrosse Party at Score’s (or at some rich kid’s house)… YAWN.

The ACC finally got a win in a BCS Bowl Game last year (I think I’ll wet my pants). The ACC better hope that Georgia Tech beats VT and Miami for the Coastal Division title, and that Boston College doesn’t win the Atlantic Division, because if I have to watch one more ACC Championship Game featuring charter members of the Big East, I may puke. Also, look for The U to be improved this year, but an absolutely brutal opening four games (@ FSU, vs. GT, @ VT, vs. OU) could lead a lot of people to sleep on this talented, but young, team heading into the final two-thirds of the season.

The Big East

Most Important Game: USF vs. Cincinnati- You thought I was going to say The Backyard Brawl didn’t you? Well, while this season will be time for WVU to unleash some well-deserved payback on the Pornstache and his Panthers, it isn’t the most important BE game this year. USF vs. Cincy is. The team that won the conference last year is out to prove it was not a fluke. At some point, USF has to start building on quick starts to its season. With the most talent in the conference returning at the most important positions, this is the year for the Bulls to finally play a Bowl Game not named after a Pizza Chain or an Infomercial Product.

Least Important Game: Syracuse vs. Louisville- By far the worst two teams in the conference in 2009. Syracuse has a new coach. Louisville, for some absurd reason, doesn’t… Advantage= everyone in America (assuming this game won’t be broadcasted nationally), b/c they won’t have to watch this pillow fight…

The Big East is at a pivotal point this year. The conference, despite some success in BCS Bowls (thanks in no part to Pitt and Cincy), draws criticism from everywhere, and the claims that the conference isn’t deserving of a BCS tie-in won’t quiet down this year as there doesn’t seem to be an elite team. They can’t afford to have another 2004 type season, but don’t worry, they won’t… Pitt won’t win the conference this year. The conference is set to gain some respect this year, with big-time non-conference games (both early in the season and late with Illinois hosting Cincinnati in November). WVU hosts Colorado and East Carolina and visits Auburn. USF plays both Florida State and Miami. Cincy also travels to Corvallis to eat some Beaver and hosts pesky Fresno State. Pitt hosts Notre Dame and travels to upstart NC State. So, when the Big East wins over half of those games, the rest of the country will take notice that this league isn’t going anywhere anytime soon… unless, of course the Basketball Schools decide they don’t want to be a part of this anymore… Don’t Count on It!

The Big Ten

Most Important Game: Ohio State @ Penn State (Nov. 7)- This is pretty much the only game in the Big Televen this year. Once again, the winner of this game will most likely earn a trip to the Rose Bowl, and the loser will still probably find itself in a BCS Bowl Game anyway. If the winner is lucky, USC will be in the MNC game. Because I doubt PSU wants to get embarrassed by the Trojans in the Rose Bowl two years in a row. And no one wants to see OSU get beat down by USC twice in one season.

Least Important Game: Indiana vs. Purdue- I’m as excited for this game to be played as I am for any Tyler Perry produced form of entertainment.. I’d be more excited about this game if Tom Creen and Gene Keady decided to meet at mid field and have a debate as to which is more gay: Barber shop pole pants or the world’s largest drum…

Like the Big East (though to a lesser extent), this is a crucial season for the Big Ten. Ohio State could make a huge statement for the conference if it can somehow upset USC in Columbus. But more importantly Big Ten teams need to win some bowl games, and I’m not just talking about BCS Bowls, any bowls. A 1-6 bowl record last season was pathetic. Anyway, with UM still rebuilding, MSU and Iowa still replacing offensive weapons, and Illinois still being coached by Ron Zook, the Big Ten will be a two-horse race again this year. If PSU beats Ohio State, an undefeated season is very possible due to a schedule that is weaker than Rush Limbaugh’s will power at an all-you-can eat buffet with an open bar in the back. The Nittany Lions do have some big question marks with regard to its lines on both sides of the ball, the secondary and the receiving corps, but, again, a series of cupcakes, excluding Iowa in Week 4, to open the season should give PSU's new starters a chance to get their feet wet.

Big 12

Most Important Game: The Red River Shootout. Tough Decision…okay, not really. This was probably the easiest game to select among all the conferences. This could be the most important game played during the entire college football regular season. The winner of this game is set up to play for all the marbles …well, maybe not. I mean in theory it makes sense, but Texas won the game last year and earned the consolation prize of playing tOSU in the Fiesta Bowl, while OU got the privilege of losing another BCS game. The amazing thing is that the Big XII coaches voted not to change the conferences shitty three-way tie-breaker rule. Anyway, assuming that the Big XII South will come down to these two teams, the winner should go to the conference championship game and possibly earn a spot in the MNC (Mythical National Championship) Game. Unless, of course, Oklahoma State comes along and competes for the division crown (which is very possible) and fucks everything up ala Texas Tech…then who knows what the hell will happen with the Big XII.

Least Important Game: Does Iowa State play Kansas State this year? Do they play Colorado? Do they play Texas A & M? Do they play Missouri? Baylor? Catch my drift… In case you don’t, what I’m saying is: they suck. They stink so much, Mark Mangino wouldn’t eat them. Not even with the world’s biggest jar of hot sauce to cover up the stench.

The Big 12 is Back, and much like the Oklahoma band, you would’ve never known it was gone. They just keep fucking playing. Newsflash douchebags: you just got scored on again. Just because one of your guys ran across the end zone, doesn’t mean your team scored the touchdown. He was simply chasing that guy in the [insert opposing team’s colors here] uniform. Understand now? Enough about the God damn band. The Big 12 can only go downhill after last year’s offensive bonanza. No chance this conference can duplicate excitement of the Texas Tech Cinderella run… or the Chase Daniel-led Missouri offensive juggernaut… or can they? Baylor has a pulse. Sure, it’s only the pulse of its standout sophomore quarterback, but look at what that’s done for Florida. A & M has a coach that doesn’t visit Strip Clubs or castrate animals in the locker room (can you name those past coaches?) So, yuk it up Big 12 fans. This promises to be another year of points galore and invisible defenses… another year of winning a BCS game… just not the one you all want to win.

Pac 10

Most Important Game: USC @ Oregon. Remember what happened last time the Trojans traveled to Autzen Stadium with an unproven QB? It cost them a trip to the NC Game. This year might not be any different. Although, this USC team won’t be as reliant on the passing game to march the ball up and down the field on a suspect Oregon defense. And just like 2007, this game might not be as fun or interesting as Cal’s trip to Autzen earlier in the season…

Least Important Game: The Apple Cup. Hopefully, this year’s installment doesn’t help one team void a defeated season (while securing that for the other). But I’m not holding my breath. In fact, I’m not even crossing my fingers for fear of severe cramping. If Jake Locker gets hurt again, it could be déjà vu all over again …

The Pac 10 made a giant statement during bowl season. The problem was the statement was kind of like this: "USC is awesome… No doubt about it… Our other strong teams are better than any other conference’s relatively mediocre teams." This is the year for the Pac 10 to gain the credibility of every college football fan, or at least the two who are willing to stay up until 3 in the morning after drinking all day, only to find out their cable provider doesn’t have VS on its package. Thus making them listen to Kirk and Lee blow Jim Tressell and Tim Tebow all night on ESPN. All the while receiving updates on the big Arizona-Stanford tilt in the desert. You don’t like the East Coast Bias? Tough Shit. Try to convenience the rest of the country by inconveniencing yourself and play at 3:30 p.m. EST (that’s a 12:30 kickoff your time) or 7:30 p.m. EST (that’s a not-so-tough 3:30 kickoff west coast time. Get it now Pac 10 people?) You do that, and I’ll promise to watch you play…especially if the score is 41-34 at the half, which most Pac 10 games not involving USC are.

**You may have noticed that the picture accompanying this conference preview is unlike the others. Well, I searched and searched and found a few good pics making fun of the Pac 10, but what I found a lot more of was smoking hot chicks. So, I went another direction. God bless the girls of USC, ASU, UCLA and Oregon State...Washington and Washington State girls belong with the rest of the herd at Big 10 schools

SEC

Most Important Game: LSU @ Alabama: What?!?! No Tebow? No T-bone? No T-Bag? Well, you can get the middle one for 7 bucks at Denny's and the last one with either Goldschlager or a money order for $32.17 sent to my house. Florida vs LSU matters, but this one matters more. Because this one decides who UF plays in the SEC title game after they run through a weak SEC East and even weaker OOC schedule. If Florida has to play LSU twice, that's a problem. However, if they get matched up with either Bama or Ole Miss, then the Gators could find themselves back in the MNC Game.

Least Important Game: Mississippi State @ Kentucky. This trumps other "classics" such as MSU vs. Auburn or MSU/Auburn vs. anyone. Why? Because this one doesn't even matter in the division. Though hyper sensitive/loyal UF fans will tell you that Missy State is on the way up because their assistant coach is there now, it's just them being nice the way you are when your much uglier ex finds herself randomly across the same restaurant as you and your new, much better looking flame. Because in reality, it's a good thing Moses didn't part the Red Sea and lead his flock to Starkville. They'd have been begging to go back to Egypt to be enslaved and eaten by lions.

The SEC has become that guy who wears sunglasses to the night club. Earth to Captain Metrosexual...it's DARK in there so guys have a chance to feel women up before they realize what's going on...

Anyway, THAT guy stands there, puffed out (insert fake surf company or cliche "my nuts are big" with a squirrel on the front) t-shirted chest thinking he's cool because his goober friends tell him he is...only because he's dumb enough to be DD and buy all the rounds. ESPN being the "goober friends." I'm not gonna go the whole overdone "hillbillies are stupid" route, but I will say that it's high time to stop with the really bad, 12 year old tree house rhyme attempts to poke fun at Lane Kiffin's name. The word "lame" can only be used so many times in so many contexts. Just because it's a 4 letter word you CAN say to your sister in "thems other 38 states that don't allow our kind of love" doesn't make it funny, clever, or compoundable with ALL other words. On the uptick though, Tennessee has become Fred Durst. Collectively, everyone in the human race now is perfectly ready for them to fall off the face of the earth. I have an idea of what Durst was talking about when he said "hot dog flavored water," and I think that makes him a UCLA fan.

Bonus Prediction: I feel like I ought to devote just a small bit more time to the Gators and Vols with a bonus prediction for your. And that prediction is this: It will be fucking ugly in Gainesville on Sept. 19. After all of Kiffin’s bravado and bullshit, he will have to come face-to-face with the Gators, who currently reside on top of the mountain in the SEC. Look for the Gators to hang 50 on the Vols, and at some point late in the third quarter, when the Gators are up 35-0, Tim Tebow will be standing in the huddle like Maximus Decimus Meridius about to start another possession. He will look over where Emperor Urban is standing on the sidelines to see if mercy should be given, or to execute the death blow. At that point, Meyer will slowly extend his right hand out to his side and, to the horror of Vols fans everywhere, slowly turn his thumb downward. At that point, Tebow will finish the destruction of Tennessee, and Lane Kiffin will wish he hadn’t fucked with the Gators….

15 Questions I would ask Tim Tebow

Well, we are only a week or so away from the opening of college football camps around the country, and many conferences will be holding media days between now and then.

This week is the SEC’s “Media Days,” and it appears my obsession with Tim Tebow knows no bounds. I always thought I just hated the guy, but now, I’m questioning that. I mean, I hate ferrets too, but I’ve never written about them (until just now of course). Why can’t I think of anything to write about Colt McCoy or Sam Bradford or even Lane fucking Kiffin? Why, when I think of possible CFB topics, do I always find myself right back at Tebow? Shouldn’t I respect an athlete who spends time doing humanitarian work and doesn’t get in trouble off the field? What the hell is wrong with me?

Anyway, here is a list of questions I would ask Tim Tebow if I were to attend an SEC media day event. Let the obsession continue:

1)Why do you wear a headset on the sideline? Is it because nobody else on the bench wants to talk to you?

2)Tim, who’s the better golfer? You? Or Jesus?

3)Tim, are there prostitutes in heaven? You know, cheap ones that aren’t ugly?

4)Can I call you Timmy?

5)Why does Christian rock suck so badly? Is it because they can’t do drugs?

6)Does Verne Lundquist bite when he’s sucking you off during SEC games?

7)Tim, how much cocaine could I safely hide in my foreskin?

8)Tim, does SEC speed come in chewable tablets? I’ve got a tough week coming up at work and could really use the boost.

9)Tim, why don’t you just tell God to pick a national champion and save us all the trouble?

10)Tim, if you found out you had a gay teammate, how long would you wait before attempting to rehabilitate him? What if he was hot?

11)What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? I can never tell.

12)When you lost to Ole Miss last year, did you think that was God’s way of saying, “Hey, stop kissing my ass so much”?

13While you were circumcising children in the Phillipines, did you ever mutter to yourself, “Philli-penis” and laugh? Because that’s pretty funny.

14)Does the bible say anything about killing people who use cell phones in a movie theatre?

15)Anal doesn’t count as premarital sex…does it?

Brett Favre Not Done Yet...

HATTIESBURG, MS — After a disappointing run with the New York Jets in 2008, retired quarterback Brett Favre is flirting with the Minnesota Vikings in an attempt to resurrect his once great career of screwing around with the minds of NFL fans and reporters.

Favre underwent shoulder surgery last month, and is expected to let the Vikings know if he plans to return to the NFL by July 30.

In an exclusive off-camera interview with ESPN’s Rachel Nichols, Favre admitted that he still has a need “to scratch the itch of playing mind fucker for Minnesota and all of the people who doubt my ability to mess with their heads about whether or not I really want to play this game anymore.”

“I’ve had a great career as one of the best mind fuckers in the history of the offseason, and I think I still have something left for fans – and myself.”

Speculation began to swirl earlier this summer after Favre reportedly made contact with the Vikings, but mainly after he left the following status update on his newly created Facebook page:

“Brett Favre isn’t sure if he’s finished fucking with everybody during the offseason – yet.”

“He’s one of the all-time greats, and if he wants to—Oh, fuck it. I’m really starting to hate this guy. He’s made my life a living hell the past few summers,” ESPN NFL reporter Chris Mortensen said when asked about the possibility of another Favre return.

When presented with Mortensen’s comments, Favre said, “See, when I see and hear things like that, it makes me feel like I can still do this. That I’ve still got something left in the tank. I’ve always said that I’d walk away when screwing with people wasn’t fun anymore, and damnit it’s still fun for me.”

“One of Brett’s endearing qualities was his kid-like approach to screwing with people, and now he is certainly as big of a pain in the ass as a child who can’t decide what flavor ice cream he wants for dessert,” said Favre’s former coach Mike Holmgren.

At the center of the controversy is Favre’s torn heart and whether or not the 10-time Pro Bowler could still play with the emotions of every NFL fan who has grown to expect his wishy-washy, uncanny ability to be on the fence – a talent which made him the world’s best at unretiring during the offseason.

“Look, I know I’ve broken every record for retiring and unretiring and retiring and unretiring again, but I still feel like I can still do it like I used to, ya know?”

When asked what he will do if he actually decides to retire from unretiring, Favre said he has a host of future plans, which include retiring to a retirement home in Florida within 20 years, then eventually unretiring — only to move back to Mississippi where he will mull his next retirement and run an unretirement center for the elderly.

UPDATE

Yesterday I posted a story about a 15-year-old Staten Island girl who fell in a manhole while walking and texting. Local police have just released the findings of their investigation with this re-creation of the events that took place:
*Special thanks to my graphich design team for teaching me how to use Microsoft Paint

Want to Make Some Money? Fall in a Hole

I’m a news junkie. I can’t help it, and I will spend hours a day browsing through the various news Web sites. Every once in awhile, it pays off with a news story that is so funny, it has to be real.

Below is a link to one of those stories. It appears that a 15-year-old Staten Island girl fell down a manhole while walking and texting.

I know. That’s funny as hell. What makes the story a little sadder is that her parents are now suing their local government. Sadder still is the fact that they will probably win some money, because they sort of have a case, because two civic employees did leave the manhole unattended while they went to retrieve orange cones to mark the hole.

Damnit. Now I’m bummed. What had been a perfectly good story about a girl who's head was firmly up her ass falling in a hole in the ground has turned dark and ominous.

This family will get a nice payday, because two workers didn’t anticipate a 30-second window in which some girl would be walking down the sidewalk not paying attention to anything but her cell, and fall in a five-foot hole in the ground.

So, in the spirit of the American legal system, I have devised a few other get-rich-quick schemes almost as clever as this family’s:

-Walk over to brick wall. Smash head against brick wall. Sue owner of building for not posting signs warning that you may get hurt if you do, in fact, smash your head against that brick wall.

-Ride bike directly into tree. Sue the smug bastard who planted that tree without thinking you might one day hit that particular tree.

-Stare into the sun for hours. Sue the Surgeon General for not skywriting a warning that this may cause blindness.

-Play the lottery, and plan as if you are beyond certain you are going to win. When you lose, sue your state’s lottery for getting your God damn hopes up.

-In about a year, drive in your car around Staten Island as often as possible. At some point you are going to be struck by a car driven by a 16-year-old girl who was texting instead of PAYING FUCKING ATTENTION to where she was going. On this one you should actually have a case.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31853449/?GT1=43001

WARNING: RANT

I don't bitch very often, particularly when it comes to things that could be political in nature, but I couldn't overlook this troubling sign that stupidity is rampant in some parts of this country.

Overhill Farms is a company in southeast Los Angeles that manufactures frozen meals for companies like American Airlines, Panda Express, Jenni Craig, etc. The IRS notified Overhill last month that 260 of the employees at their plant had suspect or fraudulent social security numbers.

Overhill fired all of them.

It's being called a "Desktop Raid", as opposed to what would have happened last year where INS agents and vans would have physically raided the plant and deported those in the country illegally, then fined the company, and the company's management would potentially face prison terms. No vans, no agents, no deportations, just loss of jobs to the illegals.

The L.A. Times ran this bleeding heart, front page article about the hardship this places on the fired workers and their families, especially in a time when it's so hard to find a job. Headline: "Factory workers left devastated". AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT SEES A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH THIS??!?!???

That's 260 jobs at a single company that could go to LEGAL RESIDENTS that are suffering EXACTLY the same situation BUT DIDN'T COME INTO THE COUNTRY ILLEGALLY!!!

All of the illegals at this food plant came in under Local 770 of the United Food and Commercial Workers Union.

This reveals the next step that absolutely MUST be taken to combat illegal immigration. Hold the damned UNIONS legally responsible for forcing illegal aliens on employers AT LEAST AS MUCH as the employers are held responsible for employing those illegally in the country. Fine the shit out of the unions with illegal members the same way that employers are fined. Imprison the leaders of the guilty union the same way the company leaders are imprisoned. Raid the books and check the documentation of the unions' members the same way that the books and employee documentation is checked at the employers.

C'mon. This isn't rocket science.

To show how little remorse the union has for its actions and the level of disregard it has for the law or real Americans (I also include LEGAL immigrants in this group. “Of the Soil, of the Blood." Remember?), the union staged a running protest outside the offices and plants of Overhill Farms for dismissing the workers with fake social security numbers. An accompanying photo showed a little boy of about 5 years age with a professional printed union sign that says in big, bold letters "OVERHILL FARMS PATRON INJUSTO Y RACISTA".

Give me a fucking break. First, they can't even PROTEST in English?? Second, it's racist for a company to dismiss employees that lied on their applications since when? It's racist for a company facing massive fines and imprisonment to act in a way that brings itself back into compliance with the law how?

"But the Overhill case illustrates how desktop raids can ravage immigrant families even without arrests and deportations" said the L.A. Times.

Let's make a little fucking distinction here: Immigrant families AREN'T being ravaged. ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT families are. Immigrant families (legal) are being ravaged by unemployment increased by unions forcing illegal immigrants into what jobs ARE available.

"We killed ourselves on the assembly lines for years. Now we're worth nothing. We're out on the streets. This is unjust, no one should be treated that way," said Bohemia Agustiano, 38, a mother of four from Huntington Park, Ca.

No, what is unjust is that your wet back ass (anti-illegal slur, not racist) has sat on an assembly line taking a job away from a legal immigrant/resident for years and that you feel you're entitled Ms. Agustiano, while the taxpayers of California supplied your four children with an education and healthcare.

"My Social Security number was good all these years, why is it suddenly no good now?" asked Eva Macias, a 19-year veteran of Overhill Farms.

Because it's not your fucking Social Security number, Ms. Macias.

The average wage these workers were earning was $10 per hour. This is NOT a case of the wages being so low that no American/legal resident would take the job.

Anyway, I know this is going on everywhere, but nowhere more so than places like California. One of the huge reasons the state is in the shitter, and residents are leaving California like rats from a sinking ship. The L.A. Times article went on and on, but that's enough to make my blood reach the boiling point.

That’s the end of my rant. I don’t want to use this site as a place to bitch very often, but this story blew my mind.

Bloated Elvis, Michael Jackson and Jim Morrison

Well, the Michael Jackson Memorial was a few days ago, and I’m saddened. Not because Jackson is dead, I can live with that, although he can’t.

No. My sadness is because my prediction for the memorial service didn’t come to fruition. I had hoped that, mid-service, fireworks would go off, Jackson would jump out of his casket in full zombie costume and break off a rendition of “Thriller.”

I had hoped this would happen not because I longed for a Jackson comeback or I was still in denial about his death. Instead, I would have liked to see this happen because it would have been a ploy that would have made more people look like idiots than Sacha Baron Cohen could shake a jar of gypsy tears at.

I can’t imagine how stupid Magic Johnson would feel after proclaiming that Jackson made him a better basketball player, only to see a group of dancing zombies behind him led by Jackson himself. Although, I hope Magic feels stupid for saying this anyway.

The degree of celebrity worship in the Western World is astounding. Jackson was a freak, and yet, when he died millions cried and proclaimed how much he meant to them. Jackson’s biggest mistake was dying now. He was about 20 years too late. Can you imagine the public reaction if he had died in the late 80s, before he was ever accused of diddling kids?

Jim Morrison and Kurt Cobain had the right idea. If you’re famous, particularly as a musician, the best strategy is to die young and in your prime. Morrison was a talented guy and a great songwriter, but upon his early demise, he was labeled a God, and that legacy has carried on more than 30 years after his death. Try walking into a college dormitory and not finding a Jim Morrison poster on some “cool” college kid’s wall.

The best thing to happen to Morrison’s legacy was that he died before he had a chance to really fuck it up. Had he lived, his albums might have grown into over-ambitious, over-indulgent average-at-best pieces.

The guy was an incredible narcissist and that would have continued, probably leading to the break-up of The Doors and a myriad of disappointments afterward. If Axl Rose had died just before the release of Use your Illusions I & II, he would have gone down as one of the greatest front men in music history. The album would have been considered his last masterpiece. Instead, he lived, and the double album was viewed for what it was: too long and only okay. And then the bastard made us wait almost two decades for the next album, without the real Guns n’ Roses lineup, which was average as well.

Dying young is the way to secure your legacy as an entertainer. There are few exceptions to this rule. Mick Jagger comes to mind, and I’m pretty sure Keith Richards can’t die. Bono should be able to avoid the pitfalls of living as well.

Millions around the world sank into a depression when Elvis died, just as they recently did with Jacko. The two kings of the music world. Now imagine how great it could have been if we had never seen bloated Vegas Elvis or child-molesting, baby dangling, mannequinesque Jackson. The “what could have been” comments would have never ended. The public is much better at making up their own ending to a celebrity’s life than dealing with watching them falter.

I guess the lesson I take from all this is that celebrity worship is a fruitless effort. They will only disappoint by either dying or living. At least if they die, you can spend the rest of your own life pretending like they would have really changed the world like all the flannel-wearing Cobain fans still think.