Doctors Baffled by New Medical Condition

At approximately 11 pm Saturday Dec. 6, CBS sports announcer Gary Danielson realized it was time to see a doctor.

“Every single commercial for a male virility pill, like Viagra or Ciallis , says that if your erection lasts for more than four hours, then you should call a doctor,” Danielson said. “Well I had the biggest Tebowner of my life yesterday, and it started about 3 pm eastern time and it wasn’t gone by 11 pm, and I knew it wasn’t even close to being gone, so I came to the ER.”

The Tebowner seems to have been a direct result of Tim Tebow’s dominant performance in the SEC Championship game against the Alabama Crimson Tide. For days, Danielson remained in care with a lot of attention being paid to him, as doctors worked in vain to figure out what they could do to treat the Tebowner.

“It’s a really difficult thing to treat,” said Dr. Pervez Mushtaf, of the Atlanta Regional Medical Center.

“Tebowners start off and they feel so great, you’re like, ‘Damn, Tim Tebow is awesome, I could feel like this forever, I hope that this feeling never ends,’ that sort of thing. But then you find yourself about four hours later and you’re like, ‘Jesus, I mean, I love Tim Tebow, I really love Tim Tebow, but holy crap, this thing has got to go away.’”

A Tebowner is defined by the American Journal of Medicine as a “severe swelling of the genitalia resulting from long-term visual exposure to the exploits of Tim Tebow on the college football field.”
Tebowners occur naturally following viewing of Florida Gators games for many people, with an extremely high prevalence in television announcers and University of Florida graduates.

“I’m not sure why, but we treat a lot of TV announcers who have severe Tebowners,” Mushtaf said. “Barely a week went by last fall where I didn’t spend part of Sunday chucking cold water on Brent Musburger’s hoo-hah, if you know what I mean.”

As for Danielson, doctors could only keep their fingers crossed that his Tim Tebow-inspired “condition” would subside.

“We tried cold water, and we tried ice cubes, and we even tried naked pictures of Rosie O’Donnell,” Mushtaf said. “Nothing worked for days. But we finally got him in there watching the WNBA. That finally made it go away.”

Tebowners are a serious problem in the southeastern part of the country, where Tim Tebow is frequently viewed, and long-lasting Tebowners have been negatively affecting men across Florida for the last two years. It is a much more severe affliction than the fast-spreading Peter Warrdick that plagued Tallahassee briefly in the later part of the 1990s.

“We’ve treated more than 700 severe Tebowners in the past two years,” said a spokesperson for Gainesville Presbyterian. “I’ve never encountered such a severe disease. We hoped that Tim Tebow would think of the good people of Northern Florida and take his talents to the NFL. Let some other doctor deal with Joe Buck. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen so we’ve had to stockpile tapes of last year’s Sun Bowl between the Pittsburgh Panthers and Oregon State Beavers. That game was pretty uninspiring, so we’re hoping that, along with video of Corrine Brown speeches will provide fast treatment of Tebowners.”

Medical facilities throughout the Southeatern United States are already preparing for a Tebowner outbreak expected to spread like wildfire beginning Sept. 5.

One Man's Perspective

Some may be wondering why the word taint is in quotation marks above (although I’m almost positive the only people reading this are those who already know me). Anyway, to make a short story even shorter, I was given the nickname Taint freshman year of college, and it stuck. After several years of being referred to as Taint, I have grown to embrace the name. I am still prone to not responding when someone calls me Chris. I am Taint. It’s both a curse (for obvious reasons) and a blessing, because, well, when you’re introduced to someone as Taint, they’re going to remember you…

This is the view from a Taint, designed to inspire and acknowledge that all-too-often ignored and often unclean part of your consciousness.

I hope to not spend too much time ranting on here, but, I would like my initial post to embrace the reason Al Gore invented the Internet. Unfortunately, I’m not licensed to post porn on here, so I’ll just have to settle for some good old complaining (the second most common reason for using the web)…

Some pet peeves of mine:

-“Party Foul!”—Anyone who knows me could see this one coming as my top pet peeve. It is inevitable at any social occasion where alcohol is being served. Someone will spill a portion or all of his or her beverage, and, as if cued by the gods of douche-baggery, some moron will yell “Party Foul!” I get it, you love alcohol so much that if a person spills some, you feel they should spend some time in the penalty box. Yelling party foul was tolerable in high school, but not as an adult. Just like hand jobs.

-Water-boarding—No, I’m not necessarily against the use of simulated drowning to learn valuable information from “enemy combatants.” That is a whole other debate, and Jack Bauer has taught me that sometimes drastic action needs to be taken. My beef is with the actual term “water-boarding.” Torture should not sound like a fun vacation activity.

-“Drink that!”—This one is just overused and no longer funny, yet it happens everywhere. During a game of beer-pong a shot will inadvertently bounce into an empty cup on the table and some genius filled with originality will sarcastically say “drink that or chug it!” These are usually the same individuals prone to yelling “party foul!”

-Bill Plaschke—Anyone who has seen ESPN’s Around The Horn knows what I’m talking about.

-“Remix!”—This one isn’t that much of a problem anymore thanks to the iPod. But, occasionally, someone still living in the dark ages will play a CD, and God help us if that CD skips while being played among a group of people, because someone will yell “Reeemix,” as if they’re in Lil’ Wayne’s posse at that very moment.

-Bloggers—Yep, that’s right. I’m not immune to a little self-loathing. Most members of the blog-o-sphere are self-righteous, over-opinionated douchebags who don’t realize that people don’t care what they have to say. I guess I’m now one of those douchebags.